on creating a life you love

How To Be Loving (To Yourself) with Danielle LaPorte


October 11, 2022

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There are infinite ways we can showcase our love. We can shower our loved ones with affirmations, spoil them with gifts, make time for quality experiences— really the list is endless! So why is it we become so paralyzed by the thought of showing ourselves similar graciousness? It’s because real acceptance and growth come from forgiveness and responsibility, not passivity and resentment. We’ve been conditioned to act (and believe) the latter, but now’s a more perfect time than ever to release that painful pressure and be free.

“It actually doesn’t matter how I feel, what matters is what I am being. And then the question moved into, ‘what do I want to embody?’ No matter what, no matter whether the cash flow is happening or the relationship is harmonious that day, or I’m in perfect health, no matter what I wanna be loved, no matter what I wanna be compassionate, I wanna be resilient no matter what.” — Danielle LaPorte

Whether they are good, bad or downright dark, our experiences are valid. And we shouldn’t expect ourselves to move through them in a linear fashion, like a train on a schedule. The intelligence of our emotions should be what guide our path, instead of some made-up checkpoints. That’s one of the infinitely inspirational ideas I picked up from a new read of mine, written by a dear friend and true visionary: Danielle LaPorte. 

Danielle LaPorte is a best-selling author, inspirational speaker, entrepreneur and blogger all about living a heart-centered life. Her first best-seller, The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul, inspired us all to reclaim our self-agency through the power of emotion. Now she’s back with an upcoming book titled How To Be Loving, and it’s not (entirely) what you think it’s about. The book details more than just kindness and ‘being better’, but the very real (and necessary) bereavement of your emotional and mental boogeymen. So, what better way to celebrate this new creation than ripping the monsters out from under our metaphorical bed and giving them tender love!

It’s been a long while since Danielle and I have spoken on the IHML Show— and this made for the perfect reunion! Together on this episode, Danielle and I move through the key points of her newest book hitting the shelves October 11th, and how this piece differs from her last published work. Plus, Danielle is sharing vulnerable personal experiences and what they’ve taught her about embodiment, creating versus attracting, and why spiritual bypassing is not the way to go! 

If you’re looking for a crash course in how to change everything from within, this episode is the perfect starting point! Danielle’s spirit, soul, and sense of self is so riveting it’ll have you itching to turn the page and begin your newest chapter of life. Start living your life like it’s your favorite novel, and make the plot your own!

In This Episode:

  • [1:02] Danielle doesn’t hold back on her synopsis (or her excitement) for her upcoming book How To Be Loving!
  • [2:20] Why Danielle starts her book off by talking about her year-in-review, and seriously considers walking away from her creative life— and the catalyst for that.
  • [8:36] Danielle deep dives into the transition from her first book Desire Maps to How To Be Loving, and how she implemented this change in her curriculum.
  • [13:27] Listen to Danielle share her insight into visions & having goals (or lack thereof).
  • [15:55] Why do lessons repeat themselves? This is Danielle’s insightful perspective…
  • [21:10] Taking responsibility for what we’ve created in our lives — and how Danielle differentiates between that and something we’ve attracted passively.
  • [24:00] The layers of responsibility for our hardships and restoring balance through forgiveness, as told (and experienced) by Danielle!
  • [27:19] Danielle dissects spiritual bypassing, and why that’s not the goal.
  • [28:51] How Danielle moved through what she calls The Dark Night of the Soul, and what she recommends for anyone enduring a tough period of life.
  • [37:04] The two kinds of children and what they require from us, according to Danielle!
  • [42:11] So, who’s the new Danielle? Emily and Danielle reflect on all the changes since their last conversation together in 2019!
  • [45:49] Danielle answers the timeless IHML question: how can you create a life better than your dreams?


Some people might be surprised when they get in [the new book]. It’s not how to be kind, or how to listen better. I mean, that all shows up, but it’s basically clean up your own house, bereavement for all your own boogeyman and then watch what happens. “ — Danielle LaPorte

“I think, being on the personal path, there can be this arrogance that comes with it.” — Danielle LaPorte

“I really got to this place of like, ‘if you don’t use your gifts and your privilege and your natural abilities, that’s actually a disservice to life and everybody.’”  — Danielle LaPorte

“I think sometimes with letting go, well, my philosophy now is you have to bless it and release it. So whether it’s money or relationships or jobs or whatever you’ve been desiring, or all that negative stuff you wanna let go of, you wanna let go of that relationship dynamic or the person who’s driving you nuts, the karma. Whatever it is, all that stuff wants your attention, all of it. You created it, you made the relationship, you made the job you. So it just wants to be loved. It wants to be acknowledged, then it will peace out.’” — Danielle LaPorte

“It actually doesn’t matter how I feel, what matters is what I am being. And then the question moved into, ‘what do I want to embody?’ No matter what, no matter whether the cash flow is happening or the relationship is harmonious that day, or I’m in perfect health, no matter what I wanna be loved, no matter what I wanna be compassionate, I wanna be resilient no matter what.” — Danielle LaPorte

“Of course, have goals. Just be clear on what’s motivating them. Are they ego centered goals or are they heart centered goals? I think what’s more important is to have a vision.” — Danielle LaPorte

“The thing with not getting the lesson the first time is there can be this punishment that we put ourselves through. It’s like, ‘ah, I’m getting this again. Why didn’t I evolve enough? It didn’t stick.’ No, no, no, no. Then we’re really missing the lesson, which is we become super compassionate with ourselves.” — Danielle LaPorte

“I think because we’re so progress obsessed, we think,’oh, I achieve this, next. I expand, I achieve this, next. Get bigger. I work through that in therapy, check. Then I did that workshop, check check. And we see it as this straight line, like we’re trains on a track. It is not that way. The most helpful visual is we are a planet and there are all these constellations and stars and weather patterns around us. And if we do one thing, it shifts everything. And if some event happens in our life with someone else, because we’re all connected, it shifts us. So it’s really the butterfly effect of inner growth. We don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. We could be stronger. We could be weaker. We could be impacted by what our person is going through. And that is going to bring up different stuff at different times.”  — Danielle LaPorte

“You can let go of the pressure to be at a certain point of success by a certain stage of your life…You are not a train on a track with a schedule.” — Danielle LaPorte in How To Be Loving

“We’re creating the thoughts that then hang out in our energy field. And those are the magnets and attract the most important thing on the path.” — Danielle LaPorte

“So often we think about karma as like, ‘I did this and I’m getting punished or, you know, Karma’s just balance.’ So the soul says, ‘Okay, remember that time where you were a little bit greedy? We’re gonna give you just this little opportunity for you to balance that out. You get to be generous.’ Now it’s just bringing things back into balance, bringing it back into balance.” — Danielle LaPorte

“Spiritual bypassing is when you use spirituality and self-help ideas to really just sugarcoat some pain. Something terrible happens and you say, ’well, everything happens for a reason. Or, um, there’s a gift in this.’ Look, I believe both of those things philosophically, but you can’t bypass it. You have to be like, ‘wow, there was impact. This really stirred this up. Here’s the emotional response I had. This is really painful.’ And that’s the beauty of those circumstances.” — Danielle LaPorte

“The whole thing with suffering is you get to look at it and see what your reactions are, make the unconscious conscious, bring it to the light. So yeah, before you see the gift, you have to look at the impact.” — Danielle LaPorte

“I was able to really transmute all of that pain into power, but I had to see all of that pain first.” — Danielle LaPorte

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I started I Heart My Life from my kitchen table in a tiny London apartment in 2013.

After going through a 5-year quarter-life crisis, I discovered the world of personal development and the power of a gratitude journal and finally got clear on my true purpose in life: to help women fall in love with themselves and their lives. I Heart My Life has gone through many transformations over the years, but its mission has always remained the same: we exist to teach you how to create a life that you love.